The one where I don't know where this is going
or: "To want or not to want - that is the question."
MUSING
I don’t know where this is going. I don’t know what I want to do next. I have paid projects on my plate, but in a larger sense, I don’t know what I’m working on or towards. I don’t know what I want - other than do pretty much anything to maintain living as an artist of one stripe or another. I don’t like admitting to myself, never mind in any kind of public, that I don’t know what I want. I have lived my life by the strong compass of desire. I’ve always known what I wanted, even if I did what I could to deny or ignore it.1
So it’s rather uncomfortable to find myself in the strange land of no-want - or rather, having want but with precious little clue where the hell to direct it. Desire as a lamp. You shine it around until something sparkles in its light and catches your eye. But nothing’s sparkling.
Plenty has been eloquently spoken of on the difficulty of pursuing philosophical or spiritual want within capitalism, because it so often clashes with what capitalism wants. I suspect no-one really wants money, we want the thing that money represents - safety. People who hoard money are maybe trying to outrun their deaths, but then again we’re all trying to do that in our various ways.
Some say the trick is not to want. To observe your want as weather, a passing thing. But what if it is your engine? What if, without want, you feel less alive? I struggle with this notion of non-attachment - observing feelings instead of immersing yourself in them. If you’re unattached, do you care less? And isn’t feeling things deeply how life is given depth and colour? How can you unattach from some feelings but not others?
I’ve never written a book without want. A story, for me, is want. It could be argued that every protagonist I write is driven by a want so strong they risk the destruction of their life as they know it, as well as the lives of the people around them - and sometimes they know this, and still they do it, follow their want.
So how not to want? How, instead, to relinquish - surrender? Surrendering = a concept that I keep reading about recently. Instead of actively seeking what you want, just be open to whatever comes along. But the voice inside me says: what if nothing comes along? I mean, what am I, a monk? No, I’m an animal, I am driven by the twin pillars of desire and fear. These are my meat and my drink, and how can it be any other way?
Answers in the comments :)
FEEDING
“A society made up of human beings who have turned themselves into small businesses is basically the logical endpoint of free market capitalism, anyway.”
- So you want to be an artist. Do you have to start a TikTok? by Rebecca Jennings
The “end” of rock 'n roll. The journey of a vinyl store’s owner, ageing out of his cool era, losing his apartment, couch surfing with an array of eclectic friends and acquaintances, then becoming homeless on the streets of Paris, all the while pursued by an even weirder array of characters who all want something he might not even have any more. Despentes is a fabulous portrait artist - each character is distinct and compelling. There are two sequels as well, which I will definitely read.
I’ve barely heard of the book, I’ve never seen any other adaptation and I’m not often drawn to historical drama, but I’m into this show. It helps that it has some stalwart Japanese actors in it that I’ve long loved to watch, plus the twisty turny snake nature of the politics of the time, which seems to make every character hide his true self in about five layers, the startling cultural insights, and inevitably sumptuous visuals. Lots of fun.
WRITING
Currently on the contracted work slate:
GENRE-BENDING-CLASSIC NOVEL (ADULT) - this hasn’t been announced yet, so the real title is under wraps for now. This is the first time I’ve ever mentioned this publicly, too, I think? Anyway, clues are: 1800s author, you’ve definitely heard of their books + added fantastical elements and a fresh take on an iconic character. Once it’s announced I’ll share work in progress extracts on here.
MYSTERIOUS MASTER M PODCAST - currently redrafting all six episode scripts of season one in cahoots with my co-creator and story editor. Soon after that, I’m hoping, they will go to the main actor to read, while I bite my hands off with nerves.
Currently on the development2 slate:
ACTION MOVIE IDEA - a premise kicked to me by a producer I’ve already been working with, that I’m now trying to work up with a writing partner. (Lots of firsts on this one for me.) Both producer and I are big early 90s Luc Besson fans, so that should give an idea of the tone.
SHORT FILM IDEA - apparently this is one way to sell a feature script - make a short of it first! Basically a proof of concept video pitch, no? Now, after writing it, I just have to figure out how to make it. With other people. And fund it. With no money. Challenge accepted!
Also - I’m going to keep putting up chapters of The Kindly Ones until someone tells me to stop3 .
Stay curious -
(Which has so far never worked out well for me. There’s pain in the denial of desire. There’s pain in following desire. Hello to the fact of life. I can avoid pain about as effectively as I can avoid desire.)
development = unpaid work on a project to future pitch and hopefully sell
(which they may do. And there’s a subtle implication for you.)